Byron Coney

This blog has moved

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 18:40:00 +0000

This blog is now located at http://blog.byronconey.com/.
You will be automatically redirected in 30 seconds, or you may click here.

For feed subscribers, please update your feed subscriptions to
http://blog.byronconey.com/feeds/posts/default.

The Attack of the Great Tree Squid

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 20:21:00 +0000

I am conducting auditions for the starring role in my new film to be known as The Attack of the Great Tree Squid. The heroine will successfully battle the Great Tree Squid armed only with a sword and her righteous wrath. There will be a little nudity required, but it will be done in good taste.

All of the ladies I approached about it so far are keen to do it except for one who objects to full frontal nudity. I am conducting auditions presently for the first scene outlined below. As the tree had to be removed as a traffic hazard, I am standing in as the Great Tree Squid in the auditions. This is taking up all my time now as there are so many ladies who want to star in the film.

The background chorus:
Give her this bow of burning gold
Give her these arrows of desire
Give her this sword
Oh, clouds unfold
Give her this chariot of fire
She will not shrink from mental fight
Nor shall her sword sleep in her hand
Until she has slain the Great Tree Squid
And cleansed his ilk from out this land

The first scene:
As the credits roll, the camera closes in on the slightly open window of the heroine’s bedroom where she lies on her back restless, but sleeping, her features outlined from time to time by the light of the moon as it emerges from clouds scudding across it. We see the tentacles of the Great Tree Squid come creeping slowly, slowly, through the open window and tug at her flimsy white nightgown, pulling it slowly back to reveal her shimmering, heaving bosom in the changing light. She shudders as the chill of a cold breeze opens her eyes and she sees herself entangled in the thrashing arms of the Squid and sitting bolt upright in bed, begins to scream uncontrollably...

The closing scene:
With a look of determined victory on her face which she holds unchanging for two full minutes, the camera then pulls back then to reveal her standing athwart the smoking remains of the Great Tree Squid, her sword aloft in her right hand, her buckler dangling from her left, her scabbard hanging loose around her hips, and as she slowly lowers her gaze to the smoldering ashes below her a faint smile plays around her stern features as the stentorian voiceover proclaims:

Behold the day cometh that shall burn as an oven, and all the proud, yea, and all that do wickedly shall be stubble; and the day cometh that shall burn them up, saith the lord of hosts, that it shall leave them neither root nor branch. But unto you that fear her name shall the sun of righteousness arise with healing in her wings, and she shall tread down the wicked, for they shall be ashes under the soles of her feet in the day that she shall do this, saith the lord of hosts...

Forty Years Later in Swat

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 01:16:00 +0000

The attached article in the New York Times of February 16, 2009, brings to mind the description of Swat forty years earlier as set out in the obituary of the last Wali of Swat published in the London Times on November 7, 1787, also attached.

Swat Then and Now (PDF)

Two-States Movement!

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Sat, 08 Sep 2007 02:10:00 +0000

My response to The Stranger, a Seattle-based rag paper that can't tell the difference between sniff, sniff opinion and news.

Mr. James Kilpatrick, It Was Sam McGee!

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 20:33:00 +0000

Several months later, Mr. James Kilpatrick errors again. As every schoolboy knows Dan McGrew was shot and killed by the miner fresh from the creeks, over the lost love of the lady that's known as Lou. It was Sam McGee who was cremated.

View my original letter

Response to Mr. James Kilpatrick

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Wed, 16 May 2007 02:11:00 +0000

View my original letter

May 14, 2007

Dear Sir:

Are you just testing your readers to ascertain how many out there are literate enough to catch your mistake in identifying the comment of Cassius to Brutus about the stars as part of (presumably) Antony’s funeral oration which every schoolboy knows? Or perhaps you were merely harkening back to your own days as a schoolboy, with satchel and shining morning face, creeping like snail unwilling to school? Or are you simply ignoring your own oft-repeated catechism to always check your sources?

I think it was Macaulay who first came up with the universal attribution “. . .as every schoolboy knows. . .” but you could look it up, (as, who was it, Casey Stengel? used to say). Punctuate that.

Sincerely,

Byron D. Coney

Mr. James Kilpatrick Check Your Sources

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Wed, 16 May 2007 02:00:00 +0000

In a recent Seattle Times newspaper column, Mr. James Kilpatrick ignores his own oft-repeated catechism.

The Week Before Christmas -- In Aldwych House

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 18:20:00 +0000

Cloud Appreciation Society

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Mon, 21 Aug 2006 19:44:00 +0000

A wonderful, wonderful site!
Cloud Appreciation Society

Be sure to see the Mammatus images:
Image 1
Image 2
Image 3

by Jorn Olsen

Home Book: Exploring Classic Seattle Homes

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Mon, 17 Jul 2006 17:50:00 +0000

A review of Caroline's book on historic houses in Seattle:

Home Book: Exploring classic Seattle homes

Let the Coliseum Crumble

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Sat, 15 Jul 2006 03:20:00 +0000

February 21, 2006

Governor Christine Gregoire
County Executive Ron Sims
Mayor Greg Nickels
Legislators, King County Council Members, Seattle City Council Members:

In reference to the mooted proposals to renovate the Coliseum in the Seattle Center (or whatever it is now called) . . . . it is deja vu all over again.

Some years ago when the decision was made to repair the Kingdome roof at more than the original cost of construction I had suggested to you and other assorted public officials and pundits (all of whom were unresponsive) that the miracle of modern structural engineering made it appear that we must forever abandon the hope that the Kingdome would be allowed to fall into ruin so as to attract some latter-day Edward Gibbon, who could sit musing among the rubble, much as Gibbon himself had done centuries ago surrounded by the stones of Rome, to be disturbed only as he was by the 21st or perhaps 25th century equivalent of bare-footed friars at their vespers or memories akin to those of earlier times recorded in 1430 by the Pope’s servant, the scholarly Poggius, whose diary (unearthed by Gibbon) related how “the forum of the Roman people, where they assembled to enact their laws and elect their magistrates [was] now enclosed for the cultivation of pot-herbs, or thrown open for the reception of swine and buffaloes”—the Campo Vaccino, or cattle pasture of the Fifteenth Century, the likes of which I had suggested could have been recreated in the tidelands which once surrounded Yesler’s mill before our massive monuments were constructed in the last century.

Alas, it was not to be, and with a new leak-proof roof and a carefully crafted Certificate attesting to the eternal integrity of the Kingdome, we had to forego the anticipatory pleasure of contemplating our future observer ruminating on the meaning of history surrounded by our ancient stone-filled site---only to have it unceremoniously imploded to make way for an even grander and more lasting monument, accompanied subsequently by a yet more improbably pretentious and forbidding structure devoted almost exclusively to a dozen gladiatorial events annually.

But, as Ernest Lawrence Thayer so eloquently expostulated more than a century ago, hope springs eternal in the human breast. The Coliseum must be allowed to fall gracefully into ruin so that we can look forward with great pleasure to our future Gibbon casting a discerning eye over the grand spectacle before him where our gladiators contended, our politicians and lobbyists swarmed the basilicas of expensive luxury suites, where our rabblement hooted and clapp’d their chopp’d hands and threw up their sweaty night-caps and utter’d such a deal of stinking breath, and where our patricians outdid each other in the splendor of their regalia and their chariots; and where he can remind us anew, as Gibbon did among the stones of Rome, that history is little more than a register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind.

Perhaps with luck we may even be able to persuade some failed or failing firm such as Enron or General Motors to purchase the naming rights to such a lasting monument.

Yours, etc.,

Byron D. Coney

Alan Bennett visits America

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 04:34:00 +0000

The May 15 New Yorker reports that Alan Bennett, the British playright, actor and critic, is visiting America and is quoted as saying: "If I had one thingto say to America now, it's don't trust in God. . . The one thing I've learned is that, whatever your problems are, God won't really help."

You know, he's right. The time has come to get rid of "In God we trust" on our coins and currency. We do not trust in God, besides which it is a violation of the First Amendment for the government to say so.

Lessons learned: On going to war

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 22:43:00 +0000

". . . People don't want to go to war. But, after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy or a fascist dictatorship or a parliament or a communist dictatorshsip. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to greater danger. It works the same way in any country. . ."

-Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trial

Letters: So Much for the American Flag as a Symbol...

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 20:32:00 +0000

Letters to the editor: Seattle Times 1978

New Century Power Generation

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Fri, 16 Jun 2006 19:14:00 +0000

Here is the solution to power generation in the 21st century and a renewable power source, all making use of existing technology:

1. There are two basic devices to be used--one is a standard stationary exercycle and the other is similar although powered by arm cranking.

2. Each model is equipped with a generator operated by pedaling the cycle. The cycle in each case has different geared settings which require different degrees of effort to turn the generator, so that a stronger person can gear the generator to produce more power per stroke than a less physically fit person.

3. The system is set up anywhere, most usually in a home where the power generated is fed back into the grid and measured by running the electric meter backwards, which gives the homeowner, his or her spouse and kids the opportunity to not only exercise but to reduce their power costs by feeding power into the grid.

4. A digital recorder demonstrates visually the amount of power being produced and the value that is credited to the operator. At the same time a built in timer records the time of day the power is being generated, so that at peak power demand times the credit awarded the operator is greater than at odd hours when demand is low. Naturally, if one wished to invest in a slightly more efficient system, one could install a small flywheel, otherwise known as a mechanical battery,before the generator, thus storing the power generated which could be then released to the generator and the grid when power demand is highest thus maximizing the return to the producer.

5. The machine is also rigged to print out a record of power production, time of production, value credited, and, if desired, the operator's special code number, so that he or she can produce power on any machine linked to the grid.

6. In addition to home systems, the power cycles, hand or foot operated, can be installed in a number of other locations, such as bus stops or schools or any place where people are standing about, such as popular begging locations outside of supermarkets, so that unemployed people who congregate there to beg can earn income by producing power for the grid. All one must do is insert his code number and pump away for however long one desires. Apart from reducing one's own power bill the value of the power generated can be credited to a special account the power generator can draw on, like a bank account, thus making the ability to earn money available to anyone who chooses, whether he or she has an electric meter, with the additional benefit that the exercise will improve the health of the person producing the power, and help to reduce the scandalous extent of obesity in the country, which, after all, represents wasted energy. Eventually the machines will be available everywhere so that one need not waste time waiting in a doctor's or lawyer's office, or to see a public employee. The time otherwise wasted could be put to use producing power, earning money and improving one's health.

7. Contests can be devised to promote "personal bests" or team competitions developed between habitues of taverns or places like that, or especially in schools, prisons, churches, laundromats, libraries (with special book holders so one can read while powering up) and other like institutions. Even the feeble minded or insane can be permitted to pump away and help pay for the their care. Just as the public attitude toward smoking has been significantly altered over the past few years, so the public's attitude toward this kind of power production will lead to its public acceptance, and it will be commonplace to observe power cyclists pumping away wherever one looks.

8. Naturally charities that now prey on the public for contributions to support their inflated bureaucratic salary budgets for their "administrators" will be quick to seize on the scheme to encourage the public to contribute their power production to the account of the charity in return for an unchallengable income tax deduction of the value of the power contributed supported by a print out record.

9. One can even conceive of animals, such as dogs in pounds, or certain zoo animals, being trained to produce power in this fashion, thus contributing to their own upkeep. Especially if their food supply was to be tied to their performance on the power cycle could this become a potent source of power. This kind of incentive could also be used to reduce the numbers drawing unemployment compensation or general welfare, as the entitlement to such compensation could be tied to the power production record of the claimant. Since many of these claimants are lazy and shiftless they will abandon their claims rather than put out the minimal effort required to contribute to their own support.

10. The capital investment required to set up the system will be minimal because the grid already exists, and it will be a simple matter to devise a standard universal machine which will accomplish all the foregoing. Utilities will no doubt be encouraged to set up large exercycle facilities to take advantage of the system, and certainly health clubs will be anxious to provide their members with the ability to reduce the membership fees while exercising.

11. Eventually the system will be expanded so that whatever turns a wheel can be adapted to the system. Thus, for instance, the excess heat lost up chimneys can be harnessed to a wheel to turn a generator, or a simple methane burner can be harnessed to an engine burning garbage produced methane, thus reducing garbage collection expense. Ultimately a device can be produced which will turn wasted energy in an automobile to an internal flywheel which, if it is not used to recharge the car's battery can be switched to the cycle and used to turn the generator when one returns home. One can even imagine a device installed in house sanitary or storm drains that will turn a wheel as the liquid flows down the pipes.

12. To encourage the adoption of this system at the outset it may be necessary for the government to offer incentives to encourage the most suitable method whereby the goal of turning wasted energy into electric power can be achieved, but this should be avoided if at all possible, as it directly conflicts with the result sought to be achieved, which is the efficient recapture and transformation of energy otherwise wasted into the potent work force that electricity represents. This in essence is nothing more than a simple application of the First Law of Thermodynamics, and it is surprising that such a solution has not been implemented before now.

copyright April 1, 2005
Byron D. Coney

Parker Brother Attorney Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 03:31:00 +0000

The Harry Reasoner Report: 12/01/1971

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 02:47:00 +0000

View the original Harry Reasoner Report

THE REASONER REPORT
AMERICAN INFORMATION RADIO
FOR WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1971

THE MONOPOLY OF MONOPOLY
We had planned to be through discussing games -- Christmas or otherwise -- for the year, but something came up the other day which causes us to rescind our vow. It's the Monopoly people. They're suing somebody for infringing on their copyright. Out in a Portland, Oregon, suburb -- a pleasant place called Gresham, there is a new apartment complex called, of all things, Marvin's Gardens. The company says it had to call this complex something, so they called it Marvin's Gardens. And they called the Recreation Building "Park Place" -- and the swimming pool "The Water Works." And they had these signs around -- "Keep off the grass or go to jail." It does sound a little Monopolistic, doesn't it? Well, the fellow who thought up the campaign called up Business Week magazine and said, in effect, "This campaign was the most successful renting campaign ever conducted. At least in the Portland area."

Well, the Parker Brothers took umbrage at these apartment people using their Monopoly board names, even if the complex did look like a Monopoly board. Which it does. So they sued.

The apartment people said they researched the whole things and found that the Monopoly people only own the name Monopoly -- which shows you where the telephone company stands. "Stuff and nonsense," say the Parker Brothers.

"Oh yea?" say the apartment people. The Monopoly people borrowed all these street names from Atlantic City...as anybody who has ever summered in Atlantic City can attest.

Well, the owners of Marvin's Gardens in Oregon have this lawyer named Byron Coney. And we have a copy of the letter he sent to the Parker Brother's attorney.

"I am deeply disturbed that your client should take offense. I can assure you that Marvin's Garden Apartments in Gresham, which I have personally inspected, is comparable in every respect to the Marvin Gardens you represent owned by your client...except...as I remember, the Marvin Gardens you represent is not a first class residential district, and the rental income leaves something to be desired. I, myself, have owned your Marvin Gardens many times in the past, and I have always felt it was overpriced...in relationship to the income one could reasonably expect from it. In addition, your Marvin Gardens can be mortgaged only to one half of its value, while the Marvin's Garden Apartments has a loan-to-value ratio of 90%.

"Also, your client's property is squeezed into a tiny space between Atlantic Avenue and Ventor Avenue, and shows evidence of rapidly becoming an urban ghetto as you permit hotels to be built there. The owners of your Marvin Gardens are greedily concerned only with maximizing their returns from the property and never once expressed concern over proper city planning or the ecological effect of so many dwelling units on one lot.

Then attorney Coney wraps it up by saying: "I don't believe that any confusion between the two properties is likely to occur, and any attempt by you or your client to force the discontinuance of the name "Marvin's Garden Apartments" will most certainly result in countercharges that your are attempting to enforce a Monopoly."

I'll be back with a closing note after this.

COMMERCIAL
I'm not a lawyer, but two thoughts occur to me. If the Parker Brothers win this suit, won't half of Atlantic City be in violation of the law? And the B and O Railroad sue the Parker Brothers?

I'm Harry Reasoner, ABC News, New York, and this has been the Reasoner Report on American Information Radio.

Instruction to Land Buyers

noreply@blogger.com (Byron Coney) — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 03:02:00 +0000

Copied from the roll in the ManorCourt Office, Wakefield, England.