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| The Attack of the Great Tree Squid
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| Saturday, January 30, 2010 |
I am conducting auditions for the starring role in my new film to be known as The Attack of the Great Tree Squid. The heroine will successfully battle the Great Tree Squid armed only with a sword and her righteous wrath. There will be a little nudity required, but it will be done in good taste.
All of the ladies I approached about it so far are keen to do it except for one who objects to full frontal nudity. I am conducting auditions presently for the first scene outlined below. As the tree had to be removed as a traffic hazard, I am standing in as the Great Tree Squid in the auditions. This is taking up all my time now as there are so many ladies who want to star in the film.
The background chorus:
Give her this bow of burning gold
Give her these arrows of desire
Give her this sword
Oh, clouds unfold
Give her this chariot of fire
She will not shrink from mental fight
Nor shall her sword sleep in her hand
Until she has slain the Great Tree Squid
And cleansed his ilk from out this land
The first scene:
As the credits roll, the camera closes in on the slightly open window of the heroine’s bedroom where she lies on her back restless, but sleeping, her features outlined from time to time by the light of the moon as it emerges from clouds scudding across it. We see the tentacles of the Great Tree Squid come creeping slowly, slowly, through the open window and tug at her flimsy white nightgown, pulling it slowly back to reveal her shimmering, heaving bosom in the changing light. She shudders as the chill of a cold breeze opens her eyes and she sees herself entangled in the thrashing arms of the Squid and sitting bolt upright in bed, begins to scream uncontrollably...
The closing scene:
With a look of determined victory on her face which she holds unchanging for two full minutes, the camera then pulls back then to reveal her standing athwart the smoking remains of the Great Tree Squid, her sword aloft in her right hand, her buckler dangling from her left, her scabbard hanging loose around her hips, and as she slowly lowers her gaze to the smoldering ashes below her a faint smile plays around her stern features as the stentorian voiceover proclaims:
Behold the day cometh that shall burn as an oven, and all the proud, yea, and all that do wickedly shall be stubble; and the day cometh that shall burn them up, saith the lord of hosts, that it shall leave them neither root nor branch. But unto you that fear her name shall the sun of righteousness arise with healing in her wings, and she shall tread down the wicked, for they shall be ashes under the soles of her feet in the day that she shall do this, saith the lord of hosts...
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Byron Coney |
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